My Destructive Quality

I think one of my most destructive qualities is that I worry when people think of me. Not in the sense that I fear people will see me as ugly, rude, or strange. It’s that they’ll just think of me. I hate when people think of me at all. 

I just finished watching Silver Linings Playbook and I was laying in bed sobbing. I guess I was so loud my roommate heard. She, very kindly, asked if I was alright. 

I immediately jumped to, “no no don’t worry I’m fine. I was watching a movie and I was just thinking about it and my family, and it made me tear up.” This wasn’t a lie, I was thinking about my family. Yet I couldn’t express to her why I was actually crying. 

I couldn’t express it because, to be completely honest, I don’t even really know myself why I was so sad. 

When she asked me I felt so embarrassed. As if her catching me and asking if I was okay was the worst thing that could’ve happened. She caught me, she caught me in my most intimate element. It feels as if exposed me to a room. As if there were people surrounding us, and she said “are you alright, Lindsey?” and everyone looked at me. Everyone staring at me and only seeing my red face, swollen eyes, and dripping nose. 

Yet, she didn’t do that. She was kind and sincere. All she wanted to know was if I was alright. It’s only the two of us in this room, nobody to judge me. So why do I feel angry with her? 

I don’t want anyone to see me upset. I just want people to see the fake me. The fake smiles, fake laughs, the fake reassurance that I’m normal and fine all the time. That’s destructive. 

I’m slowly starting to see that this is no way to go through life, but I know it will be an even slower process to actually change myself. Sometimes I worry I’ll never change. But I believe in time and time tells everything. Usually I’d say to myself “hopefully by tomorrow she’ll forget I even cried.” But now I’m taking a step forward to bettering myself. 

Hopefully tomorrow I won’t feel embarrassed as I do right now. 

I won’t say anything to her again about this, even though I probably should. 

I need to go slow. I must start with myself. Hopefully tomorrow I won’t feel embarrassed or angry. There is nothing to be embarrassed or angry about.